Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:icondoreikage: More from Doreikage





Details

Submitted on
July 9, 2009
File Size
1.0 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,624
Favourites
64 (who?)
Comments
42
×
To show the judge your now-tormented soul,
      You keep your gaze as blank as one can be.
The witness said that you were white and whole
       And withered only after meeting me.

Described by Mother as a precious flow’r
      That bloomed in beauty ev’ry passing day,
They say that I took but a single hour
      To steal your sacred innocence away.

But I would argue it had fled years past
      Before my hands could ever reach your skin,
For where can any innocence yet last
      Where one is feeding darkness deep within?

Alas, I know that this case you will win,
      Although ’twas you who begged for us to sin.
For my "something new." How I even came up with this poem's subject is beyond me.

Oh, and if you're thinking of writing a sonnet, it's hard as heck. But the sense of accomplishment I'm feeling right now is a nice reward. This poem saw hours of editing before it ever made it here...I'm hoping that Shakespeare isn't rolling over in his grave right now.

Part of the dark atmosphere no doubt came from what I was listening to at the time - XCVII by How Like a Winter. They recite one of Shakespeare's sonnets in the song. I was hoping that channeling his spirit would help me with iambic pentameter, but I don't think it made it any easier XD
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmugshotpro:
mugshotpro Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
So very lovely. more of these and your on your way to being a poet.
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2009  Student Artist
Wow, thank you :D
Reply
:iconnomisluck:
Nomisluck Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2009  Hobbyist
Well it sounds deep 8D
Reply
:iconmewshi:
Mewshi Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009
it sounds very nice, and I know nothing about sonnets but it totally sounds very good to me :3
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009  Student Artist
thanks! I'm glad it wasn't too creepy for you XD
Reply
:iconmewshi:
Mewshi Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009
Haha, did you get a chance to look at my task 2 submission?

I feel like that is a tad creepier than this xP
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009  Student Artist
Just looked at it, I will say it was pretty dark, lol. Very intense in a good way, though!

But most of my regular watchers, especially the ones who know me in real life, have yet to acknowledge that I posted this. And usually they comment on even the crappiest pics XD I fear I scared them off.
Reply
:iconmewshi:
Mewshi Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009
Nyaaawww >w< thank you. haha

hmmm I have no idea what my usual watchers would think. Though I know my friends would like it (we're all creepers like that)

and wow, I wouldn't consider yours all that dark. Certainly got the undertones of it, but shouldn't be enough to scare people off. xD;
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009  Student Artist
Lol, you're all creepers? XD
Reply
:iconmewshi:
Mewshi Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009
Yes, but we take it with pride!
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009  Student Artist
At least you admit it, we try to pretend that we're perfectly normal XD
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconhikari-okami:
Hikari-Okami Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009   Photographer
Very beautiful, keep up the good work. :thumb121963348:
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Student Artist
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconhikari-okami:
Hikari-Okami Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2009   Photographer
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconsugarandbutter:
SugarAndButter Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009
I'm your fan, my comrade. I love it :love:

please write more sonnets!
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Student Artist
Thank you very much :D It was challenging but fun to write this one, and I hope I do write more in the future.
Reply
:iconjoel55555:
joel55555 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Really well done!
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Student Artist
Thanks! :D
Reply
:iconjlundhart:
jLundhArt Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Interesting stuff. I like it=D
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Student Artist
I'm glad :)
Reply
:iconaddilynne:
Addilynne Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009
That's really awesome! You're good at this. XD
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Student Artist
Aw, thanks!
Reply
:iconrobsonnet:
Robsonnet Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
Nice job. Far too many people get the rhyme scheme (and sometimes the syllable count) but don't get the I.P., which is IMHO the true essence of the sonnet. You have even nailed the volta, the turn, which is one of the more subtle points.

As for the darkness of the subject, there's no reason a sonnet needs to be romantic (like most of mine). I think your courtroom scenario is a perfect application for the form, even though I don't recall seeing it applied to such a situation before. I think I like it.
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
Thank you, your words mean a lot to me because I've never tried iambic pentameter. I checked and rechecked this over and over to ensure that it was perfect. I'm also glad you like the setting, another part I was unsure about. I just couldn't seem to write anything light and romantic that didn't feel cheesy or ripped off one of Shakespeare's sonnets.

I'll make sure to check out your sonnets now :D
Reply
:iconguesswhooboo:
GuessWhooBoo Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Everyone who commented has an icon of a number.... 0.o

I like this a lot.
At first I thought it was about someone charging the narrator with... i dont know exactly... but the last line made me think of it in a christian sort of way. Ya know how it says God created us and we all sin? That's what I mean.

Very nice and I agree, sonnets are HARD. :/
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
It's for a club XD We all have a number and put it into our avatar in some way.

Yes, the narrator's saying that it's not their fault because everyone sins, so it's not fair that they should be charged with a sin when it was the other person's idea. Glad you like it :D
Reply
:iconnatgabs:
natgabs Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
well done O,O
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
Thank you ^^
Reply
:iconkatamari-dan:
Katamari-Dan Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
DARK but somewhat relaxing. :D
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
Thanks, glad it relaxed you then! :)
Reply
:iconkatamari-dan:
Katamari-Dan Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
Welcome :D
Reply
:iconringofscars:
ringofscars Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
Dark dark dark... oh that's creepy! I don't know much about poetry at all, but it read very well in that it wasn't awkward in rhythm or rhyme. Gives me chills the more I think about it.
It's the sort of poem that depending on your own life experiences, depends how you interpret it. Because you mention 'Judge' in the first line, I feel it encourages the reader to start taking sides. The character can become either a monster or victim depending on the viewers past experiences.
I'm leaning heavily towards monster but I don't think everyone will see it that way.

Good job anyway! :clap:
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
Thank you for such a detailed comment, it's very much appreciated! I'm not usually this dark or creepy, I promise XD It's good to hear that the rhythm wasn't awkward; I was worried about that. Even though it makes you feel chills, I'm glad that you did feel something - that, of course, is the goal! :D
Reply
:iconblervakh:
Blervakh Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
Yep, I'll be writing something to, would try some short story
I think I'll do it tomorrow during weekend. Poetry is beautiful(yours to) but I can't bend myself to create it, yet.
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
Cool, I can't wait to see your short story! ^^
Reply
:icontsunamitykunade:
TsunamiTykunade Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
Well done, you got the technical aspects perfectly, and the vocaublary and structure is very nice, little bit too 'dark' for my liking, but i still very much appreciate it. :) :hug:
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009  Student Artist
Thanks! :D I was really worried about the iambic pentameter, I keep counting off lines to make sure they're right XD So it's quite a relief to hear that they are!
Reply
:icontsunamitykunade:
TsunamiTykunade Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009
It has beautiful flow, you should be very proud of yourself. :) :love:
Reply
:icondoreikage:
Doreikage Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009  Student Artist
Aw, thank you! :)
Reply
:icontsunamitykunade:
TsunamiTykunade Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009
It's no problem :)
Reply
Add a Comment: